Supposedly, all of the stories contained on this page are true. But in reality, I make no attempt to verify them. True or not, they are definitely amusing.

The Good Doctor

A true story about Rev. Spooner when he was at a dinner at Oxford: He was proposing a toast to begin the evening which was supposed to say, "Let us raise our glasses and toast the dear Queen (Victoria)." What Spooner actually said was, "Let us glase our asses and toast the queer dean."

The Good Doctor Continues

The famous Dr. Spooner found himself in quite a situation when he was invited to a very formal occasion in England an occasion at which it was necessary for people to appear in pairs, whether they happened to be husband and wife, significant other, or whatever. And as luck would have it, at the last minute, Mrs. Spooner felt ill, wasn't able to go, and Dr. Spooner hurriedly raced around and found someone else to go with him. As he greeted his hostess, he said (and in his so popular way of fouling up the language) came up with this particular Spoonerism. Instead of saying "Oh good evening, Mrs. Wellsley. I'm so pleased to be here. And you will be pleased to know that I have, due to the illness of my wife, produced a substitute", he said: "You will be so pleased to learn that because of my wife's illness, I have managed to seduce a prostitute."

Courtesy of Don E. Z'Boray

The Good Doctor Strikes Again

As Dr. Spooner led a parishoner down the aisle of the church. He allegedly stated: "Come this way and I'll sow you to a sheet."

Courtesy of Mark L

Robbery Gone Wrong

A man ran into a 711 and pulled a gun and shouted "All right you mother-stickers, this is a fuck-up!" There was a minute of silence before the man ran back out.

Courtesy of mmwl

Post-It!

I once worked with an employee that wasn't too fond of the business owner's frequent habit of leaving Post-It Notes all over her desk. One day she was fed up and in a fit of anger said, "I'm sick and tired of these stucking ficky notes all over the place!"

Courtesy of Alan

Hilton Hotels

I was about 22 when I used to work for the Hilton Hotels in California and two really cute men checked in. I was dying to find some reason to come out from behind the switchboard wall. So I primped and spritzed (perfume) and very elegantly sauntered out and up to our Desk Clerk, Fran, who was watching them sign in. The two men looked up and smiled--as did I. I turned to Fran and said in my most sexy voice... "Fran, I'm going to go and get a glice of ass water." I froze. She tilted her head and froze. The two cuties raised their heads from filling out the check in cards and looked at me with raised eyebrows. I looked at Fran, then I looked at the two guys and all I say was "hehhehhehheh." Then, with as much dignity as I could muster, I sauntered my little hiney back behind my wall. I think that was about the last time I ever tried to impress someone.

Then there was the time I announced over the P.A. in the whole dang hotel that Mr. So-and-So's "par was carked in the loading zone"

Courtesy of Nikki

Too Hot

One hot summer day I had arrived home from work and my son hurried me into the car to go downtown. Now I always wear a blazer to work, but in the summer I wear a tank top underneath. My office is air conditioned so I never take my blazer off at work. Suddenly, I found myself driving down the road with my tank top, but no blazer. Thinking out loud, I said "I hope my shits are paved." Then my son and I both paused, looked at each other, and cracked up.

Courtesy of Beverly D.

At the Met

Texaco sponsored broadcasts of the Metropolitan Opera on Saturdays back in the old radio days. The announcer said, "This afternoon we are fortunate in having the distinguished conductor Antino Toscanuri .. ah, Anturo Toscaniri. (pause) Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Milton J. Cross. Please remember it because you won't ever hear it again."

Courtesy John J

Mr. President

One of the most famous spoonerisms of all time occurred at the inauguration of Herbert Hoover as President of The United States. Harry von Zell, radio announcer: "The next voice you hear will be that of our new president, Hoobert Heever."

Courtesy John J

The Doughboys

It was either WBAP Fort Worth or WFAA Dallas that had The Lightcrust Doughboys on at noon each week day in the '30s, advertising Lightcrust bread. Announcer: "Lightcrust, makers of the breast in bed ... " Then utter confusion.

Courtesy John J

Great Local Furniture Store

I heard the following spoonerism related by one of our local sportscasters on the radio. He was talking about a radio announcer who was supposed to read a commercial for one of the local furniture stores named "Oak n Brass", but when he read it, it came out as "Broke n Ass"

Courtesy Gabriele

It's Christmas Time

Just remembered an incident at a madrigal dinner I was part of some 20 years ago. At some point during the performance, bearers walk into the dining hall with a boar's head on a large platter and someone stands up, usually one of the males on stage, and bursts into a song about the boar's head and what a fine dish it is. Randy stood up and began the song a major third higher than he should have, which means that the basses could never have completed the song without injuring ourselves, but we didn't have to because he spoonerized the first line of the song, which begins "The boar's head in hand bear he ..." and of course came out "The whore's bed in hand bear he ..." We never got to finish the song.

Courtesy Bill S.

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